Sunday, March 2, 2014

A Hole in My Life


Each of us has days that are etched into our memories: a wedding day, the birth of a child, the first day of school.

For me one of the biggest is March 2, 2005.  It started out like any other day... get the girls up, get them fed and dressed.  Drop them at daycare and head off to school.

The day did not end that way.

During my planning period, the principal and assistant principal appeared in my room and asked me to come with them to the office.  This was odd behavior.  Normally, our secretary would just call on the intercom or phone to ask me to come up.  They told me Dan and the girls were fine.  This immediately triggered a stab of fear in my heart.  That meant someone wasn't fine.

They escorted me upstairs to the office and into a conference room normally used for parent meetings.  Dan was there waiting for me.  I took one look at him and knew.... he didn't even get the words out of his mouth to tell me.  My Gram was gone.

I remember wailing... really wailing, and almost falling to the floor.  This wasn't supposed to happen, not yet.  She wasn't sick, she had just had her birthday days before.  I had just talked with her on the phone.

She died in a horrific, violent way that I wouldn't wish on another human being.

The next few days passed in a blur of rushing downstate to be home with my family as we made arrangements for her funeral. Then the visitations for her and my great-aunt Dorothy, her sister who was a victim along with Gram.  It was surreal to walk into the funeral services and see the long lenses of cameras capturing photos of the families and the other mourners, to be approached by a reporter as we left the church that awful morning we said goodbye.  It seemed unreal to see Gram's face and that of Aunt Dorothy on the news as reporters speculated on how long it might take the police to find the person who willfully, violently took them from us.  It was impossible to shield my nearly-five-year-old daughter from hearing things she shouldn't.

Every March 2, I think about the details of that day... that week... the ones that followed.  The trial that led to an acquittal of the person charged with the triple homicide.  The closure that we as a family still lack.

The rest of the year, I think about how special Gram was.  How she loved me unconditionally.
Her laugh.
Her bright silver-white hair (which if my own gray is any indication, she passed on to me).
Her generosity.
Her joy in her grandchildren and their accomplishments.  Her smile as we married and had children of our own for her to cuddle and love, just as she had for us as babies.

I hold her in my heart, and I think about her every single day as I go about my life.  I know that somewhere, someplace, she and my mom are with me, watching my girls grow up, applauding their accomplishments, helping to guide me when I need to comfort their hurts.

I hope she is proud of the woman I have become.  I love you, Gram.

Gram and my girls, just days after Abby was born.  June, 2004.

16 comments:

  1. Oh my god, I am so sorry for your loss. Most tragic and frustrating to hear is the lack of closure. That someone could do something so horrific to fellow human beings and we as a community allow them to continue to be a part of our society.

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  2. Thank you for you bravery in sharing this. Maybe writing about it has helped you take back this day in some way. It has showed me your love and heart for your Gram. The priceless gifts she has given you and the resiliency you model in the reality of such tragedy. Blessings and a prayer to you and your family.

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  3. The pain of loss never goes away...it is firmly etched...sharing is one way we allow others to help us with the burden...I am glad she was there to celebrate the joy of your babes and know she is watching and is proud.

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  4. I can imagine the bravery it took to hit that post button. A loving tribute, I hope that writing helps to cope with your loss

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  5. Thanks for sharing something from the heart that is so personal. Writing is a therapy of sorts. I can relate to this so much this week...a senior boy from our local high school died in tragic accident. I have watched our students and community come together. There can be gifts in tragic events when we are ready to acknowledge them. I know your relative is proud of you.

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  6. So sorry for your loss. You honored her beautifully.

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  7. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I think it's wonderful that you chose to write about this in a "Slice of Life" challenge piece. It shows how much your Gram meant to you. Your story is deeply personal, and it helps those of us who have also lost a very special person in our lives. I pray you will always hold your Gram in your heart, and keep your memories alive. Thank you for sharing.

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  8. This was a hard slice to read, Mindi, and must have been even harder to write. You wrote from the heart - thank you for sharing this today.

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  9. Mindi, Thank you for sharing this. I can not imagine the horror you and your family went through during this time in 2005. There are no words. I love the picture and hearing about what an amazing woman she was. Hold those memories close. Again, your courage in sharing this post is admirable. I'm humbled.

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  10. It is a beautiful and strong act to write about your dear Gram! I am very touched by your writing. I hope that the writing has lifted you, on what must be a very tough day every year. Thank you for sharing.

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  11. Mindi - I know it took a certain strength to write this and to also hit send. The pain may never completely go away and the loss is great but may good find a way of shining through tragedy. Your life and what you do in your grandmother's memory is part of that. Thank you.

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  12. Oh.... my heart hurt when I read this. My best friend in the world lost a baby to SIDS. And she was treated like a criminal, not allowed to ride in the ambulance because the police had more questions for her. Thank you for sharing your loss.

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  13. Mindi, this is heart-wrenching. I'm so sorry you lost your dear Gram in such an awful way. Thank for sharing your story.

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  14. Mindi, I clicked on your link because the slice I'm sharing tomorrow I would classify the same way -- it is so personal. And, I've debated about hitting publish too. I appreciate your vulnerability. I appreciate writing from a place of hurt, remembrance, and taking us into your heart on this significant day. I hurt for you... b

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  15. I'm sorry that you have to keep such a memory in your heart, Mindi, on this day every year. And happy that the rest of the year you spend time remembering your sweet gram. I hope that by sharing such tragedy you will feel the sweep of special feelings going out to you today, good thoughts, hugs and prayers. I feel honored that you would share and hope it eased the pain a little.

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  16. As difficult as this piece was to write, I also hope it was soothing to your soul. The beauty in the remembrance is strong.

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